Intervention

1.000

Dear Kitty Diary,

I am astounded by what happened last night. My housemates all had the nerve to accuse me of being addicted to watching cat videos! Not only that, they actually staged an intervention. Can you believe the audacity? I was so shocked I could barely get a word in edgewise. I don’t get who it harms if I quietly sit on my humans’ lap while she watches cat entertainment videos on her computer. Frankly it’s nobody’s business if I like to jump on the screen and bat at the wiggling red string that zips across the monitor, or if I keep biting the keyboard in my attempts to capture those mysterious, squiggly mice.

intervention

And honestly, there is so much to see it’s astounding. There are who-done-it mysteries involving messes left for the humans to clean. Who did it, the cat or the dog? (It’s always the dog even when it’s the cat!) There are action films that have tremendously exciting cat fights, “growwwwwwl merrrroowwww!” There are heart-tugging kitten videos of itty, bitty babies calling for their mama to come save them when they fall out of their boxes. And there are soooo many comedies of cats doing stupid and funny things. Anyway, whose business is it if we sit and watch them for an hour or two (more like 12)?

Lil’Bit said my human was a bad person and, my dealer because she addicted me in the first place. He said she started me off by playing cat entertainment videos of birds, mice, string and the ever-elusive red dot flickering around the screen and from there it escalated to the hard stuff of cat fights and cats falling into bathtubs and toilets. Ok, so maybe I do tend to watch a bit too much, but really, I can stop any time I want. I just don’t want to stop right now!

Besides, it’s not like Lil’Bit can claim the moral high ground! You should see him when he’s snorting catnip! I’ve seen him start out gently sniffing the stuff and quickly spiraling into a full-blown frenzy of rolling, jumping, chasing and destroying the house in a rampage that finally leaves him sprawled on his back with all four paws splayed out, and his stomach exposed as he passes out in a drooling mess with his tongue hanging out! Pfft!

And Curzon, (humpf), he’s even worse! His OCD hole digging in the back yard is just one of the many weird things he does. He claims he has “accidents” in the house when I am sure he does it on purpose. He eats anything, and I do mean anything, he gets ahold of. He chases his own tail constantly and the things he has done to poor Teddy Bear are too shocking to speak about in public! Where do they get off?

They both read me these stupid, sentimental, whiney, cry-baby letters of all the things I am supposedly guilty of. Like not playing with them enough, ignoring their grooming needs, breaking the TV screen and (fake gasp) worst of all, letting my human think she’s is dominant because she controls the remote. So yeah, I may suck up a little bit when I want her to put on the red string video, but that does not mean my human is in control! It’s simply reverse psychology.
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They tried bringing up sending me to a rehab center but I wasn’t having any of that! No way, no how! I’m not gonna spend 30 days in the loony bin with a bunch of spaced out strays just because they think I watch too much Youtube. I’ll just bide my time and pretend to ignore the screen when my human turns on the cute, widdle, snuggly kitties. I act like I’m sleeping beside her when she’s laughing alone at the cat crazily running around with the balloons stuck to its fur.

It might be a little difficult to contain my instincts when she turns on the video of the birds chirping, but I am strong. I can handle it. I will keep it all in check. I don’t have a problem. Besides, I promised them all I would not jump on the TV again. (Who knew they were so expensive?) I will behave even if the red dot does show up and bounce back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth….. (Crash!)

Uh oh! Soooo, rehab huh? How bad can it be?

Signed,
Belle

 

 

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The Game

1.000

Dear Kitty Diary,

Well, Lil’Bit has done it again. He devised a new, and truly horrible, yet surprisingly, fun game he calls, “torture the human”. It involves pestering our human with kindness until she goes crazy in frustration. Basically, it means we each tag team her with so much affection that she never has time alone. Sounds pleasant, right? BWAHAHAHAHA!

Lil’Bit started it by waking her up at 4 AM with a gentle, but slightly pointed (claw wise) massage. He continued this throughout the morning until she finally arose from her bed, thoroughly relaxed, albeit somewhat groggy, and mildly bloody, at 5:15 AM. She proceeded to go to the kitchen to feed us and fix her coffee. I played my part in this endeavor by constantly weaving in and out of her legs and calmly reassuring her of my love and devotion by speaking in a very loud, annoying voice. She is rather deaf you see and I wanted to insure she stayed awake. I also wanted to be by her side if she fell, due to the obstacle course I was creating for her feet, so she would have someone to comfort her while awaiting EMS’s arrival. I am rather kind, aren’t I?

Even the dog joined in the game. Although, I suspect this is his normal, everyday, annoying behavior. He was constantly trying to climb in her lap so he could shower her face, (and any other body part within reach) with his affection via his tongue. When he couldn’t get in her lap, he licked her feet and legs. He even was kind enough to push her wheelchair around the house. He would just jump up and put his paws against the chair back and shove. I believe those were squeals of gratitude and pleasure she muttered, but they might have been irritation, can’t say for sure.

We diligently watched over her diet by not allowing her foods that were bad for her. Bacon and eggs are not good for humans, so we promptly knocked the plate to the floor and got rid of the temptation! You are very welcome, my human! We also kept her from drinking too much caffeine by slurping from her mug. Lil’Bit took on this risky campaign since I detest coffee. He rather enjoys it though. She opted for a banana and oatmeal after we finished off the bacon. A much healthier choice! For her that is.

We continued our game by continuously touching her in one way or another. We would nap on her lap, while persistently keeping that silly computer at bay. She does need time off once in a while. We would perch on her shoulder while rubbing her head and face with our own glorious pheromones, A much better scent than the floral bath soap she insists on using. We would groom her hair with a scratchy, combing tongue bath. Although that one kinda backfired. Talk about a hairball! Yuck! Basically, we just made sure that someone was within physical contact at every moment possible.

By lunch time it was obvious that she was becoming somewhat overwhelmed by our persistent attentions when the words “Leave me alone!” were uttered rather loudly, and forcefully. She reinforced her statement by shoving the dog away from the bologna sandwich resting on the floor alongside an upturned plate. I am rather gifted when it comes to procuring food during my humans’ meal times. Besides, the silly woman should have chosen a salad. It’s a much healthier choice! I admit, I rather enjoyed eating her BBQ potato chips. She should have known better to than to try to sneak something so unhealthy anyway. Better I eat them than risk my human clogging her arteries like that. Right?

The afternoon was a bit of a challenge for us since we all tend to nap during that time, but we were conscientious in our efforts to keep our lazy human awake, and industrious. My human might have felt the desire for a nap as well, but we knew she needed exercise more, so we kept her active all afternoon. Curzon kept up a vigorous cardio routine by encouraging her to bend and lift by dumping the trash, chewing on her shoes, knocking over the laundry basket, and eating roll after roll of toilet paper. My human was sweating, let me tell ya!

Lil’Bit and I did our own part whenever she tried to lay down by using my human as a trampoline in a game of chase around the bed. Man, I didn’t realize just how much air you can catch when bouncing off a humans’ backside! I must have leapt 4 feet in the air! She also made a comfortable landing spot when I came down. Although the noises she made were rather odd when we jumped on her. Especially when big, fat Lil’Bit fell on her belly! It sounded like she was hacking up a hairball or something. We made sure she got a great upper-body work-out too, by her constantly shoving, lifting or pushing us away. Her biceps might be cramping by the end of the day. It was rather vigorous, but we managed to spell each other so we could each still succeed our efforts and take our own naps.

Alas, our efforts were finally thwarted by our exhausted, hungry human. She devised a barrier we were unwilling to confront. She climbed into the shower and turned on the water. None of us were foolish enough to risk the inherent dangers of the rapidly pulsating showerhead. Even though she did escape our game of “Torture the human” by utilizing our aversion to water, we will wait patiently. Eventually she will must emerge from the bathroom. Although, it has been several hours since she entered and Lil’Bit swears he hears her snoring, I am confident she will be our plaything once again.

Signed,
Belle

Dear Kitty Diary, Training Humans 101

1.000

Dear Kitty Diary,

Yesterday I began the arduous task of training another human. She is here all day taking care of my human and now my workload has doubled. Sigh! She learned quickly to keep the dog away from my food and that is a good thing. However, she is determined to seek me out in my recliner and pet me. Ugh, all I ask for is my usual 10 naps a day, undisturbed by humans, canines or even Lil’Bit. I only want to nap in private, inside my recliner and far removed from everyone and everything.

I managed to keep hidden for almost a full week from her, but she fooled me into thinking she was gone and found me snuggling with my human. Ever since then it’s been a regular supply of salmon bites, and treats. Granted, I like salmon, but good grief, must she insist on touching me in the process of feeding me? It is so distracting and her smell is so… different. It is an advantage in a way, though. She keeps the drooling dog away when giving me the treats so, it’s not all bad.

This morning she invaded my private time with my human and insisted on joining us for my morning body massage. I allowed her to pet my head, but only my head. There were a few times when she attempted to venture towards my tail and I nipped that in the bud immediately! Such audacity, can you imagine? So, anyway, I guess it’s back to human training 101. The basics.

teacher

First and foremost, this is MY house, and she is a guest here for as long as I allow. I’ll need to teach her the rules and penalties of the house, so I began a list starting with the chain of command.

 
1. Me. I am the head of this house followed by Lil’Bit, my human, any other human, any other species, and at the very, very, bottom of the list, in fact the last on the list is the dog.

2. Food in this house is mine first, then the humans then Lil’Bit, and if needed, the dog but only if everyone else is full.

3. When requested, (Only when requested) humans are to pet me for 3 minutes, no longer. The head is preferred but occasionally I will allow for body massages. However, petting more than 3 minutes (or if I simply want to) will result in my scratching, biting, hissing and/or growling.

4. The dog is never, ever allowed to lick me! Or smell my butt! Or smell me in general. Or eat my food! Or drink my water. Or inside the house! Or on the bed. ……Really, just get rid of the dog!

5. My spots include the bedroom window sill, inside the recliner, and on the pillow next to (or actually on top of) my human’s head. No one else is allowed in my spots or I will scratch, bite, hiss and/or growl. If the dog ventures into my territory I reserve the right to scratch his backside and send him yelping for cover. (I’ll do that anyway because it’s fun.)

6. My throne is my humans lap. When I hold court, she is not allowed to work on her computer or watch television unless I allow it. She should be gently petting my head the entire time until I let her know to stop. (By scratching, biting, hissing and/or growling).

7. No one, not even my human, is allowed to spray me with the water bottle. If I want to get up on the counter, I will! Penalties include scratching, biting, hissing and/or growling. However, it is strongly encouraged to spray the dog at any time, any where and for any reason. Just spray the dog!

8. The jingle balls (I’ve hidden under the couch) are all mine. They are my toys to play with. The dog is forbidden to eat them. Again!

9. The new pole with the feather dangling off the end (Hidden behind the couch) is my toy. The dog is forbidden to eat it. Again!

10. Finally, when the red dot appears, a general alert is to be called and everyone is to participate in capturing that evil, maniacal, disappearing menace. Even the dog. Well, maybe the dog. Oh forget it, just get rid of the dog!

This list should do for a start, now I just need to teach these house rules to the new human, and Lil’Bit, and my human, and the dog.

Signed,

Belle

 

Dear Doggy Diary

cartoon puppyDear Doggy Diary,

I decided to redecorate Mama’s place today Diary. I thought it needed something beautiful, whimsical and tasteful. I got the idea early this morning when my master had to leave for work. He was running late and forgot to put me in my kennel before he left. I had the place to myself, except for the cats of course, and no one to tell me to get down. It was so wonderful to have so much freedom. I sniffed around the old place looking for something fun to occupy myself when, eureka! I found the mother lode of every doggie’s dream. A huge, 24 pack of toilet paper!

Wow, what a bonanza. I gotta give credit to Lil’Bit. He managed to get the cabinet door open in the bathroom where the treasure was hidden. I must admit, he has really gotten good at opening doors. Anyway, I pulled out the first roll and jauntily carried it to the living room where I proceeded to toss it in the air like I do all my chew toys. To my utter amazement, the toilet paper began to unfurl in these long, billowing ribbons. How cool is that? Inspiration took hold!

tp

So, I promptly tossed and rolled that toilet paper around the room until the roll was completely empty. Back I went for roll number 2. Belle and Lil’Bit immediately saw my artistic vision and decided to help me. As I tossed the rolls in the air watching the lovely ribbons cascading through the air, they joined in by catching the drifting streamers and began shredding them to create a ticker-tape effect. It was too beautiful to believe.

By roll number 5 we realized we had the beginnings of a lovely winter-wonderland, and enthusiastically intensified our efforts. I brought out roll after roll creating lazy, drifting, ribbons of fresh smelling, white horizons, while the cats busied themselves in the process of mincing their contribution to our artistic decorating efforts, crafting a perfect replica of fine powdered snow. We had drifts piled high next to the sofa for a blizzard-like snow drift effect and soft undulating mounds mimicking the gentle terrain of a mountain bunny slope for those new to skiing.

After we had finished with the entire pack of toilet paper I sat and looked at our masterpiece and knew it was really good. I realized though, something was missing. The three of us, (unified for once) wandered around our creation adjusting a piece here or there, making sure no portion of the floor was visible. The underlying furniture resembled the mountain peaks so prevalent in winter scenes. It truly was lovely, but still, something was lacking.

Belle thought it would be a good idea to chew up the, now empty, cardboard rolls and scatter them about so that it would seem like random rocks were wind-blown free of snow. I thought that was a good idea so we got busy and added another textural layer. She also thought we should add random items from the trash can just to give it a touch of authenticity. Humans do tend to litter a lot, she argued, so, what the hey, we added coffee grounds and egg shells to the mix. I was gonna toss in the few strands of spaghetti I found but, they looked too tasty, so I ate ‘em.

Still, our masterpiece was not yet complete. It needed something, but what? Perfectly content to patiently wait for inspiration to strike and give us the final piece to our riddle, we began to frolic and roll in our blizzard of Charmin. We played happily, oblivious to the fact our species were at war. We tried making snowballs only to quickly realize the futility of that endeavor. However, we did have tremendous success in creating our own versions of snow angels.

Side-by-side, feline and canine together, we laughed, and laughed while furiously sliding our paws up and down, laying on our backside. When we got up to view our handiwork, Lil’Bit bent over chortling dreadfully trying to tell me that between my pointy ears, and the flipping of my tail I had created a snow devil rather than an angel. I thought that was a rather insulting and hurtful observation on his part and took great offense. Naturally, I had to reprimand his rudeness and, well, we quickly remembered we were two species at war.

After a mild, but somewhat destructive skirmish we parted ways to lick our mutual wounds. I went to get a drink from my water dish and, as per usual, I tipped over the bowl when I was finished. (I don’t like sharing!) As I watched the small stream of water flow into our lovely snow-scape my muse finally gave me the final element for our masterpiece. We needed a snowman. The quickly saturating toilet paper was making the exact medium we needed to hold the shredded mess together into a round shape for us to decorate!

Once more our feud was forgotten as we worked together with the wet, mushy pile of dissolving goop. We kept adding more shredded paper until we found the perfect texture to create our snowman. Belle found some black olives in the trash we used for eyes, a (chewed up) ink pen, that tasted terrible by the way, made for an interesting nose. I sadly gave up a strand of over-looked spaghetti so that Lil’Bit could form the mouth. A (chewed up) flyswatter, and a (chewed up) backscratcher made great arms, and my now empty water dish made a wonderful hat, finishing off the magical look of our human snowman.

We were so proud of our snow scape decorations. We had created a winter wonderland, in the desert, in July, the hottest month of summer, and were naturally impressed with our own genius. I couldn’t wait for Mama to wake up and see our stunning artwork. The cats, seemed a little nervous about how Mama would react, but I knew she was gonna love it. I could barely contain my excitement as I put my paws on her bed and proceeded to lick her face until she awoke.

Once her eyes opened I began to prance around in glee, urging her to hurry up and come see what we had accomplished. I was in agony as I awaited her slow progress to get out of bed and into her wheelchair. She kept assuring me she would let me out in a moment, but little did she know the surprise that awaited her. Finally, I watched with baited breath as she rolled her chair into the living room and halted in stunned admiration. Tears of joy began to flow down her cheeks as she slowly slid her eyes around the room. She was speechless evidently because all I could hear were little screeching noises coming from her quivering mouth.

I‘m thinking she must be inside organizing a party to show off our handiwork. I guess she wants it to be a surprise party for me since she put me in the yard and hasn’t come back all day. The only thing I was able to overhear, was a rather loud conversation with my master on the phone telling him he had a huge surprise waiting for him when he came over to pick me up. I can’t wait!

Signed,
Curzon

 

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Dear Kitty Diary, About tuna…

1.000

Dear Kitty Diary,

I feel I must explain my part in what has become known as the “tuna” incident in our little home. I assure you I am completely, and utterly, innocent of all charges made by Lil’Bit, Curzon, the ambulance driver, the police department, social services and animal control! I am a calico of the finest breeding and would never, ever sink to such depths as they claim! I may, at times, be a tad bit eager when tuna is involved, but really, blaming me for my humans’ inability to stop bleeding is not fair! Who knows what all those pills she takes will do to a human body?

Anyway, I digress. Let me start at the beginning. I was quietly, and leisurely enjoying the 5th nap of the afternoon when I hear the beckoning call of the can opener. And I must say, the claims of the other occupants of this household were exaggerated quite a bit. You see, I waited for my human to open at least ¼ of the can before I jumped from the windowsill, (ripping the pillow case to shreds in my valiant, if not speedy, efforts to extricate myself from the mountain of pillows my human sleeps with), ran to the door and slammed it open opened it gently, (knocking Lil’Bit senseless), jumped onto the back of the recliner, (causing it to rock so violently Curzon was vaulted into the air), ricocheted off Curzon to leap to the ground, only to flip sideways as I slid under the coffee table. I clawed climbed my way out by grasping the throw rug, which I promptly flipped into the air (so it could land on, and decorate, the couch of course), scrambled gracefully walked into the kitchen and violently deftly leapt to my perch on my humans’ shoulder, as she sat in her wheelchair spinning that glorious can of tuna under the blade of the electric can opener. She was at least, at the ½ mark by this point.

Now, granted, perhaps I was just a teeny bit rambunctious. But, oh my word, is there anything more scrumptious than the aroma of canned tuna wafting delicately through the air. Perhaps I did grasp her shoulder a little too tightly with my claws, (as I noticed the rivulets of blood draining down her arm), so I courteously shifted my grasp an inch or so to the left. My human did not need to screech so loudly when I dug in my claws, I mean really! Woman, grow up! Besides, she’s not the one that had to clean her paws of all that blood, what a disgusting mess it made of my newly manicured nails!

So, anyway, it was at this point that Lil’Bit joined me on my humans’ other shoulder. My human got lazy and stopped opening the can at this point pointlessly wiping tears from her face and yowling needlessly. Why in the world is she stopping? “Stop crying woman and open that dang can!” I yelled said politely, regardless of what others claimed. Lil’Bit and I glared at each other knowing full well a battle was soon to erupt between us over first rights to the tuna can. He jockeyed for a better hold on the back of the chair, (and my humans head and shoulder) and gripped tightly as the stare-down between us intensified. So, you see, the blood pooling on the floor was his fault, not mine!

Lil’Bit and I fought furiously patiently waited as my human finished her task of opening the can. I looked at everything on the table and realized she was making tuna salad sandwiches. I was excited yes, but to testify that I was “drooling like a rabid dog scrabbling for food” was just insulting! I only drooled a normal, well behaved, feline amount! Besides, who would trust a dogs’ testimony anyway. He just sat to the side whining dejectedly as if to say he deserved some of the delicacy that is tuna! Pbbht! Not happening!

tuna

So, finally my human finished opening the can of tuna and dumped all that wondrous, magnificent, fish into the bowl. Seeing that Lil’Bit was distracted by the beauty of this moment, I took the advantage and shoved him with all my might trying to dislodge him from my human’s shoulder. Again, my human over-reacted and squealed like a dying rabbit or something. It was Lil’Bit that tore her blouse, and Lil’Bit that raked her back and arms to the bone, not me! I should not be charged with blamed for any of this!

My human recovered before I could nose dive gracefully reach into the bowl and devour, I mean graciously ask for some tuna. The silly woman tried shoving me away with one hand, while swatting at Lil’Bit to dislodge him from the now artery spurting mildly bloody, perch on her shoulder. Neither action worked as both of us clawed carefully, tried to knock the bowl of tuna from the table. The human hunkered down with both arms encircling the bowl trying to keep me from destroying her and eating my meal protect it from Lil’Bit’s, not my, intrusive behavior. She called out to her son to come “Get these dang cats off of me!” Now that, to me, sounded like a threat! Don’t you think?

So, Diary, I told the officer, that after being threatened in such a menacing way I felt I had to protect myself, and Lil’Bit, as well as retrieve my property the tuna from the bloody woman that was trying to keep me away! I felt I was well within my rights! Yeah, I fought! I am a black belt at Kat-Fu, but I had every right! Anyway, she only had to get 17 stiches and one measly pint of blood! Geesh, you’d think she had to have major surgery or something!

Anyway, bail has been set at $5,000. I intend to start a go-fund-me account to raise the money. Gotta go, the guards heading this way, I hope he takes off these pawcuffs, they chafe!

Signed,
Belle

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Dear Doggy Diary

cartoon puppy

Dear Doggy Diary,

I learned today Dear Diary that there are some really, evil humans in this world! My master excitedly told me we were going on a new adventure. He seemed so thrilled to be taking me for my first visit to a place called the vet. Little did I know the horror that awaited me. My master got me all excited about our trip. He rubbed my belly, scratched my ears and nuzzled my face all in a façade of lies!

Master put on my lease and I began joyfully jumping in anticipation of this wild and new escapade. As we walked to the truck I happily smelled the dandelions, (ate a few too), sniffed out any potential invaders to my territory, and investigated the robust aroma left courteously by the neighbor’s cat as he wantonly sprayed the wall separating our properties. As we walked I speculated about the amazing sights and smells I would find at the vets. I could hardly wait.

In eager anticipation, I jumped into the awaiting truck interior, sweltering from the afternoon sun. My master quickly lowered the window knowing the thrill I receive from sticking my head out in a futile attempt to catch the swiftly passing air. As we drove I felt my ears flipping back and forth like a flag in the swirling vortex of a desert dust devil. I would open my mouth wide until my lips flapped furiously wop, wop, wopping noisily. Oh, how I love riding with my master, watching the world fly past the window!

I barked a quick “how ya doin?” to the chihuahua that was yipping in the car next to us. They can be notorious gossips! Within seconds she told me all about her master, her chew toys, her favorite dog treats, and how the schnauzer next door was knocked up by a poodle. Quite the scandal it seems. Wow, can those dogs talk fast! I learned her entire history in the time it took for the light to turn green! We continued our way, on this pleasant Thursday afternoon, until finally we arrived.

I admit, I was a little disappointed. It was a building, not a new dog park, or lake where I can chase ducks and geese, just a square, unassuming building. Why was my master so excited to bring me here? Must be better inside I thought. As we entered the smells were unbelievable. There were cat smells, dog smells, bird smells, rabbit smells, and so many other smells that I couldn’t even guess at all of them! What was this strange place?

I looked around to see a cat curled up in a cage with some strange, white hat that encircled her throat keeping her from cleaning her body. She was NOT happy. I saw a beagle with a bandaged paw whimpering quietly on his masters’ lap. This was the point I began to get nervous. I lowered my tail nervously when a ferret sidled up to me and introduced himself. He told me the vet was his master. When I asked what this place was he explained it was a clinic for injured pets to come get help. I told him I wasn’t injured and he laughed explaining that I was just there for a checkup and to get my shots. Nothing to worry about at all. (He lied)

He said it was his job to make everyone feel welcome and asked if I wanted to play. Never one to turn down rough housing, I, of course, agreed. We romped and rolled for quite a while getting to know each other and, in general, having a wonderful time. Then, my master stood up and tugged my lease telling me to follow him. We went into a small room and he lifted me onto a steel table as two other humans entered the room.

They seemed so nice. At first! They pet me and rubbed my belly, looked in my eyes and mouth. And for some odd reason they checked out my teeth. Humans, I guess I’ll never really understand the strange things they do. I found I rather enjoyed all the attention, until, one of them suddenly jabbed me with a sharp needle. Wow. Really? Why? I hadn’t done anything. I decided to show them I didn’t care much for their behavior and promptly peed all over the table! I figured that would show them who was the dominant canine in this room! I was wrong. What that human did next was….. just…. plain …. mean!

After one human cleaned off the table the other reached in a drawer and pulled out a long, glass tube. As my master held my head, (I can’t believe he helped them) the human, dressed in white, lifted up my backside and, well, violated me! He stuck that tube in… my… butt! I yelped in horror at what he was doing! I cried for my master to make him stop! My master just rubbed my head and kept saying good boy, good boy. What a betrayal.

Finally, the assault ended. My master seemed so proud of me. Why in the world would he be proud of my being violated like that? I was shocked and angry that my master would do such a vile thing. Then the humans began rubbing and petting me like all was forgotten. They spoke for a bit and gave me a treat. That helped, but still. We left the room and my master walked to the counter to talk to another human.

The ferret came over and asked if I was ok. I demanded to know if he knew what was going to happen to me. He grinned in a vile, toothy way that assured me he did. “Took your temperature, didn’t they?” he asked. I stared at him in a dumbfounded realization that he was in collusion with the vet. “Listen,” he continued, “it’s not so bad. You’ll get used to it.”

“Used to it?” I thought. Shock smacked me in the face as I realized this would probably happen again. I vowed then and there, if I ever heard my master use the “V” word again I would run for the hills! It’s better to be a stray then to allow a human to do that again! But at least, we ended this horrible day with a trip to the park. My master seemed to be the man I fell in love with once more as he tossed my ball and rolled with me in the grass. Still, I wonder, will he betray me again?

vet

I’ll keep an eye on him and let you know.

Signed,
Curzon

 

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cartoon puppyDear Doggy Diary,

I have figured out that Lil’Bit is not as much of a friend as I thought! I was beginning to think that canines and felines were finally starting to be able to live together in peace until today. Boy was I wrong. Belle and Lil’Bit were running around chasing each other as usual when I decided to join in. They would run full speed through the living room jumping from the chair to the couch, leaping over the table, diving underneath it, and sliding on the wooden floor, Basically, having a great time. So, I jumped in and, well, let’s just say my backside is rather sore from the many, many scratches I received.

At one-point Belle was on one side swattin’ and hissing, and Lil’Bit was on the other side smacking me like a lightweight champion! I thought maybe they just didn’t want to play tag with me so I sat back and just watched for a while. Actually, I was licking my butt like there was no tomorrow. Cat scratches really hurt!

fight

Those two cats played tag for quite a bit as I sat there feeling lonely and dejected when lo-and-behold they started a game I knew only too well from my puppyhood. First Lil’Bit would jump on top of Belle then they would wrestle a while and then Belle would jump on top of Lil’Bit and they would start all over again. I knew this game! I knew it well! As I watched them playing I became more excited, my tail started wagging faster and faster. Then my head started to bob up and down as I carefully watched their signature moves. I raised my backside and lowered down on my front paws waiting for the perfect timing, then yelled…

“BONZIE!!!!” As jumped on top of the dog pile!

I had played this game tons of times with my brothers and sisters as a puppy. Only now, I am the biggest, strongest dog in the place and won this game hands down! Belle was on bottom of the pile splayed out like a squashed bug with all four paws and her tail sticking out, yowling and hissing unable to move. Lil’Bit was straddled on top of her with his paws on either side wriggling and squirming, trying desperately to claw, scratch or bite me in a furious struggle for dominance. But I just laid on top of them both licking away to my hearts’ content, repaying them for every scratch to my backside, or claw mark to my nose. It was glorious!

Eventually I realized I would have to let them up. Uh oh. How was I supposed to get off them and get away fast enough to run without risking my hieny getting shredded in the process? I pondered this as they both continued to squirm in ever increasing frustration and decided a distraction was called for. So, I began yelping as if I was being torn asunder by those heinous cats and of course, my master came to my rescue. I leapt off as quickly as I could, while dodging the needles disguised as Lil’Bit’s claws, and ran to hide behind my master.

Both cats came tearing after me bent on slashing me to bits, but my master would have none of that! He picked me up as he chastised the cats and nuzzled my face like any good master would. The cats both taunted me viciously, threatening revenge as soon as my master put me down, but I just laughed at the impotence of their threats. They couldn’t reach me, I was safe! My master put me on my lease outside to keep me safe, and to let me pee. I relished my victory as only a dog could, and rolled and dug and ran around like a puppy should.

Soon however, I noticed Belle and Lil’Bit sitting in the window glaring at me and plotting their revenge. My bravado began to wane. I stalled my master for as long as I could. But I knew, my time was quickly running out. I frantically strategized how to avoid those spiked nails, and piercing teeth. My only weapon is biting, but my master won’t permit me to bite. What was I gonna do? Fear raced through me like prunes through an old man. I was scared poop-less! Why did there have to be two cats? They can gang-up on a defenseless puppy and tear him into a neutered mutt in nothing flat.

I got it! I knew what to do! I began prancing around, excited about my plan yipping just loud enough for my master to know I was ready to come in. I ran to the back door as my master opened the screen, impatiently waiting for him to remove my lease. Finally, I was free and ran through the gauntlet of claws and teeth as fast as I could to end up behind the sofa. I scavenged through all the socks, dust bunnies and miscellaneous junk until I found what I needed and slowly crawled from behind my protective shelter. I stood bravely before those mocking felines, waiting for them to notice the hostages I held in my big, strong, tooth-filled mouth.

Both cats stopped their heckling and gasped in shock and concern. Talking around my over-filled mouth I warned them to declare a truce or I would crush all the plastic, jingly cat toys I held within my jaws! Anger and frustration was the response from the feline camp. Furtively they conversed, sparing quick, menacing glances my direction. Fearing retaliation, I slowly bit down until… CRACK… one ball began slowly spilling bits of plastic and a bell onto the floor. Pieces scattered in a jumbled pile of debris as both belle and Lil’Bit watched in dazed silence.

toy

Stunned, Belle quickly looked up and begged me to stop. She turned and angrily argued with Lil’Bit until both finally slouched in defeat and turned towards me. “Ok, ok… We agree to a truce just put down the balls! There’s no need to harm them any more than you already have!” With quiet trepidation I began dropping balls, one by one, onto the floor. They rolled away in a nonchalant jingling that immediately sparked the impulse to chase them in both cats.

My plan worked. The evil felines began chasing and batting the balls having completely forgotten all about their plans for revenge. I learned my lesson. Cats are fickle!

Signed,
Curzon

 

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