Dear Kitty Diary,
I am astounded by what happened last night. My housemates all had the nerve to accuse me of being addicted to watching cat videos! Not only that, they actually staged an intervention. Can you believe the audacity? I was so shocked I could barely get a word in edgewise. I don’t get who it harms if I quietly sit on my humans’ lap while she watches cat entertainment videos on her computer. Frankly it’s nobody’s business if I like to jump on the screen and bat at the wiggling red string that zips across the monitor, or if I keep biting the keyboard in my attempts to capture those mysterious, squiggly mice.
And honestly, there is so much to see it’s astounding. There are who-done-it mysteries involving messes left for the humans to clean. Who did it, the cat or the dog? (It’s always the dog even when it’s the cat!) There are action films that have tremendously exciting cat fights, “growwwwwwl merrrroowwww!” There are heart-tugging kitten videos of itty, bitty babies calling for their mama to come save them when they fall out of their boxes. And there are soooo many comedies of cats doing stupid and funny things. Anyway, whose business is it if we sit and watch them for an hour or two (more like 12)?
Lil’Bit said my human was a bad person and, my dealer because she addicted me in the first place. He said she started me off by playing cat entertainment videos of birds, mice, string and the ever-elusive red dot flickering around the screen and from there it escalated to the hard stuff of cat fights and cats falling into bathtubs and toilets. Ok, so maybe I do tend to watch a bit too much, but really, I can stop any time I want. I just don’t want to stop right now!
Besides, it’s not like Lil’Bit can claim the moral high ground! You should see him when he’s snorting catnip! I’ve seen him start out gently sniffing the stuff and quickly spiraling into a full-blown frenzy of rolling, jumping, chasing and destroying the house in a rampage that finally leaves him sprawled on his back with all four paws splayed out, and his stomach exposed as he passes out in a drooling mess with his tongue hanging out! Pfft!
And Curzon, (humpf), he’s even worse! His OCD hole digging in the back yard is just one of the many weird things he does. He claims he has “accidents” in the house when I am sure he does it on purpose. He eats anything, and I do mean anything, he gets ahold of. He chases his own tail constantly and the things he has done to poor Teddy Bear are too shocking to speak about in public! Where do they get off?
They both read me these stupid, sentimental, whiney, cry-baby letters of all the things I am supposedly guilty of. Like not playing with them enough, ignoring their grooming needs, breaking the TV screen and (fake gasp) worst of all, letting my human think she’s is dominant because she controls the remote. So yeah, I may suck up a little bit when I want her to put on the red string video, but that does not mean my human is in control! It’s simply reverse psychology.
They tried bringing up sending me to a rehab center but I wasn’t having any of that! No way, no how! I’m not gonna spend 30 days in the loony bin with a bunch of spaced out strays just because they think I watch too much Youtube. I’ll just bide my time and pretend to ignore the screen when my human turns on the cute, widdle, snuggly kitties. I act like I’m sleeping beside her when she’s laughing alone at the cat crazily running around with the balloons stuck to its fur.
It might be a little difficult to contain my instincts when she turns on the video of the birds chirping, but I am strong. I can handle it. I will keep it all in check. I don’t have a problem. Besides, I promised them all I would not jump on the TV again. (Who knew they were so expensive?) I will behave even if the red dot does show up and bounce back and forth, and back and forth, and back and forth….. (Crash!)
Uh oh! Soooo, rehab huh? How bad can it be?