Dear Kitty Diary,
Well, Lil’Bit has done it again. He devised a new, and truly horrible, yet surprisingly, fun game he calls, “torture the human”. It involves pestering our human with kindness until she goes crazy in frustration. Basically, it means we each tag team her with so much affection that she never has time alone. Sounds pleasant, right? BWAHAHAHAHA!
Lil’Bit started it by waking her up at 4 AM with a gentle, but slightly pointed (claw wise) massage. He continued this throughout the morning until she finally arose from her bed, thoroughly relaxed, albeit somewhat groggy, and mildly bloody, at 5:15 AM. She proceeded to go to the kitchen to feed us and fix her coffee. I played my part in this endeavor by constantly weaving in and out of her legs and calmly reassuring her of my love and devotion by speaking in a very loud, annoying voice. She is rather deaf you see and I wanted to insure she stayed awake. I also wanted to be by her side if she fell, due to the obstacle course I was creating for her feet, so she would have someone to comfort her while awaiting EMS’s arrival. I am rather kind, aren’t I?
Even the dog joined in the game. Although, I suspect this is his normal, everyday, annoying behavior. He was constantly trying to climb in her lap so he could shower her face, (and any other body part within reach) with his affection via his tongue. When he couldn’t get in her lap, he licked her feet and legs. He even was kind enough to push her wheelchair around the house. He would just jump up and put his paws against the chair back and shove. I believe those were squeals of gratitude and pleasure she muttered, but they might have been irritation, can’t say for sure.
We diligently watched over her diet by not allowing her foods that were bad for her. Bacon and eggs are not good for humans, so we promptly knocked the plate to the floor and got rid of the temptation! You are very welcome, my human! We also kept her from drinking too much caffeine by slurping from her mug. Lil’Bit took on this risky campaign since I detest coffee. He rather enjoys it though. She opted for a banana and oatmeal after we finished off the bacon. A much healthier choice! For her that is.
We continued our game by continuously touching her in one way or another. We would nap on her lap, while persistently keeping that silly computer at bay. She does need time off once in a while. We would perch on her shoulder while rubbing her head and face with our own glorious pheromones, A much better scent than the floral bath soap she insists on using. We would groom her hair with a scratchy, combing tongue bath. Although that one kinda backfired. Talk about a hairball! Yuck! Basically, we just made sure that someone was within physical contact at every moment possible.
By lunch time it was obvious that she was becoming somewhat overwhelmed by our persistent attentions when the words “Leave me alone!” were uttered rather loudly, and forcefully. She reinforced her statement by shoving the dog away from the bologna sandwich resting on the floor alongside an upturned plate. I am rather gifted when it comes to procuring food during my humans’ meal times. Besides, the silly woman should have chosen a salad. It’s a much healthier choice! I admit, I rather enjoyed eating her BBQ potato chips. She should have known better to than to try to sneak something so unhealthy anyway. Better I eat them than risk my human clogging her arteries like that. Right?
The afternoon was a bit of a challenge for us since we all tend to nap during that time, but we were conscientious in our efforts to keep our lazy human awake, and industrious. My human might have felt the desire for a nap as well, but we knew she needed exercise more, so we kept her active all afternoon. Curzon kept up a vigorous cardio routine by encouraging her to bend and lift by dumping the trash, chewing on her shoes, knocking over the laundry basket, and eating roll after roll of toilet paper. My human was sweating, let me tell ya!
Lil’Bit and I did our own part whenever she tried to lay down by using my human as a trampoline in a game of chase around the bed. Man, I didn’t realize just how much air you can catch when bouncing off a humans’ backside! I must have leapt 4 feet in the air! She also made a comfortable landing spot when I came down. Although the noises she made were rather odd when we jumped on her. Especially when big, fat Lil’Bit fell on her belly! It sounded like she was hacking up a hairball or something. We made sure she got a great upper-body work-out too, by her constantly shoving, lifting or pushing us away. Her biceps might be cramping by the end of the day. It was rather vigorous, but we managed to spell each other so we could each still succeed our efforts and take our own naps.
Alas, our efforts were finally thwarted by our exhausted, hungry human. She devised a barrier we were unwilling to confront. She climbed into the shower and turned on the water. None of us were foolish enough to risk the inherent dangers of the rapidly pulsating showerhead. Even though she did escape our game of “Torture the human” by utilizing our aversion to water, we will wait patiently. Eventually she will must emerge from the bathroom. Although, it has been several hours since she entered and Lil’Bit swears he hears her snoring, I am confident she will be our plaything once again.