Dear Kitty Diary, Training Humans 101


Dear Kitty Diary,

Yesterday I began the arduous task of training another human. She is here all day taking care of my human and now my workload has doubled. Sigh! She learned quickly to keep the dog away from my food and that is a good thing. However, she is determined to seek me out in my recliner and pet me. Ugh, all I ask for is my usual 10 naps a day, undisturbed by humans, canines or even Lil’Bit. I only want to nap in private, inside my recliner and far removed from everyone and everything.

I managed to keep hidden for almost a full week from her, but she fooled me into thinking she was gone and found me snuggling with my human. Ever since then it’s been a regular supply of salmon bites, and treats. Granted, I like salmon, but good grief, must she insist on touching me in the process of feeding me? It is so distracting and her smell is so… different. It is an advantage in a way, though. She keeps the drooling dog away when giving me the treats so, it’s not all bad.

This morning she invaded my private time with my human and insisted on joining us for my morning body massage. I allowed her to pet my head, but only my head. There were a few times when she attempted to venture towards my tail and I nipped that in the bud immediately! Such audacity, can you imagine? So, anyway, I guess it’s back to human training 101. The basics.


First and foremost, this is MY house, and she is a guest here for as long as I allow. I’ll need to teach her the rules and penalties of the house, so I began a list starting with the chain of command.

1. Me. I am the head of this house followed by Lil’Bit, my human, any other human, any other species, and at the very, very, bottom of the list, in fact the last on the list is the dog.

2. Food in this house is mine first, then the humans then Lil’Bit, and if needed, the dog but only if everyone else is full.

3. When requested, (Only when requested) humans are to pet me for 3 minutes, no longer. The head is preferred but occasionally I will allow for body massages. However, petting more than 3 minutes (or if I simply want to) will result in my scratching, biting, hissing and/or growling.

4. The dog is never, ever allowed to lick me! Or smell my butt! Or smell me in general. Or eat my food! Or drink my water. Or inside the house! Or on the bed. ……Really, just get rid of the dog!

5. My spots include the bedroom window sill, inside the recliner, and on the pillow next to (or actually on top of) my human’s head. No one else is allowed in my spots or I will scratch, bite, hiss and/or growl. If the dog ventures into my territory I reserve the right to scratch his backside and send him yelping for cover. (I’ll do that anyway because it’s fun.)

6. My throne is my humans lap. When I hold court, she is not allowed to work on her computer or watch television unless I allow it. She should be gently petting my head the entire time until I let her know to stop. (By scratching, biting, hissing and/or growling).

7. No one, not even my human, is allowed to spray me with the water bottle. If I want to get up on the counter, I will! Penalties include scratching, biting, hissing and/or growling. However, it is strongly encouraged to spray the dog at any time, any where and for any reason. Just spray the dog!

8. The jingle balls (I’ve hidden under the couch) are all mine. They are my toys to play with. The dog is forbidden to eat them. Again!

9. The new pole with the feather dangling off the end (Hidden behind the couch) is my toy. The dog is forbidden to eat it. Again!

10. Finally, when the red dot appears, a general alert is to be called and everyone is to participate in capturing that evil, maniacal, disappearing menace. Even the dog. Well, maybe the dog. Oh forget it, just get rid of the dog!

This list should do for a start, now I just need to teach these house rules to the new human, and Lil’Bit, and my human, and the dog.





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