Dear Kitty Diary,
I feel I must explain my part in what has become known as the “tuna” incident in our little home. I assure you I am completely, and utterly, innocent of all charges made by Lil’Bit, Curzon, the ambulance driver, the police department, social services and animal control! I am a calico of the finest breeding and would never, ever sink to such depths as they claim! I may, at times, be a tad bit eager when tuna is involved, but really, blaming me for my humans’ inability to stop bleeding is not fair! Who knows what all those pills she takes will do to a human body?
Anyway, I digress. Let me start at the beginning. I was quietly, and leisurely enjoying the 5th nap of the afternoon when I hear the beckoning call of the can opener. And I must say, the claims of the other occupants of this household were exaggerated quite a bit. You see, I waited for my human to open at least ¼ of the can before I jumped from the windowsill, (
ripping the pillow case to shreds in my valiant, if not speedy, efforts to extricate myself from the mountain of pillows my human sleeps with), ran to the door and slammed it open opened it gently, ( knocking Lil’Bit senseless), jumped onto the back of the recliner, ( causing it to rock so violently Curzon was vaulted into the air), ricocheted off Curzon to leap to the ground, only to flip sideways as I slid under the coffee table. I clawed climbed my way out by grasping the throw rug, which I promptly flipped into the air (so it could land on, and decorate, the couch of course), scrambled gracefully walked into the kitchen and violently deftly leapt to my perch on my humans’ shoulder, as she sat in her wheelchair spinning that glorious can of tuna under the blade of the electric can opener. She was at least, at the ½ mark by this point.
Now, granted, perhaps I was just a teeny bit rambunctious. But, oh my word, is there anything more scrumptious than the aroma of canned tuna wafting delicately through the air. Perhaps I did grasp her shoulder a little too tightly with my claws, (
as I noticed the rivulets of blood draining down her arm), so I courteously shifted my grasp an inch or so to the left. My human did not need to screech so loudly when I dug in my claws, I mean really! Woman, grow up! Besides, she’s not the one that had to clean her paws of all that blood, what a disgusting mess it made of my newly manicured nails!
So, anyway, it was at this point that Lil’Bit joined me on my humans’ other shoulder. My human got lazy and stopped opening the can at this point pointlessly wiping tears from her face and yowling needlessly. Why in the world is she stopping? “Stop crying woman and open that dang can!” I
yelled said politely, regardless of what others claimed. Lil’Bit and I glared at each other knowing full well a battle was soon to erupt between us over first rights to the tuna can. He jockeyed for a better hold on the back of the chair, (and my humans head and shoulder) and gripped tightly as the stare-down between us intensified. So, you see, the blood pooling on the floor was his fault, not mine!
Lil’Bit and I
fought furiously patiently waited as my human finished her task of opening the can. I looked at everything on the table and realized she was making tuna salad sandwiches. I was excited yes, but to testify that I was “drooling like a rabid dog scrabbling for food” was just insulting! I only drooled a normal, well behaved, feline amount! Besides, who would trust a dogs’ testimony anyway. He just sat to the side whining dejectedly as if to say he deserved some of the delicacy that is tuna! Pbbht! Not happening!
So, finally my human finished opening the can of tuna and dumped all that wondrous, magnificent, fish into the bowl. Seeing that Lil’Bit was distracted by the beauty of this moment, I took the advantage and shoved him with all my might trying to dislodge him from my human’s shoulder. Again, my human over-reacted and squealed like a dying rabbit or something. It was Lil’Bit that tore her blouse, and Lil’Bit that raked her back and arms to the bone, not me! I should not be
charged with blamed for any of this!
My human recovered before I could
nose dive gracefully reach into the bowl and devour, I mean graciously ask for some tuna. The silly woman tried shoving me away with one hand, while swatting at Lil’Bit to dislodge him from the now artery spurting mildly bloody, perch on her shoulder. Neither action worked as both of us clawed carefully, tried to knock the bowl of tuna from the table. The human hunkered down with both arms encircling the bowl trying to keep me from destroying her and eating my meal protect it from Lil’Bit’s, not my, intrusive behavior. She called out to her son to come “Get these dang cats off of me!” Now that, to me, sounded like a threat! Don’t you think?
So, Diary, I told the officer, that after being threatened in such a menacing way I felt I had to protect myself, and Lil’Bit, as well as retrieve
my property the tuna from the bloody woman that was trying to keep me away! I felt I was well within my rights! Yeah, I fought! I am a black belt at Kat-Fu, but I had every right! Anyway, she only had to get 17 stiches and one measly pint of blood! Geesh, you’d think she had to have major surgery or something!
Anyway, bail has been set at $5,000. I intend to start a go-fund-me account to raise the money. Gotta go, the guards heading this way, I hope he takes off these pawcuffs, they chafe!
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