Training my Human


Dear Kitty Diary,

I am beginning to sense that I may have selected a rather inferior breed of human. The training has not been going well on my humans at all. Although they seem to have mastered the most basic of commands like providing adequate food, water and shelter, that may be the limit of their ability to comprehend their training.

For instance, they will leave food out for me to eat, but they only fill my bowl when it is empty! They can’t seem to grasp that a half-eaten bowl of meow-mix is rather unappetizing. Cats eat with their eyes first, and eating food that’s been sitting out for 30 minutes or more is gross! The same can be said for the water dish. I prefer fresh water given on command rather than flat water that’s been sitting for a while. Also, toilet water should be easily accessed since the swirling waters are an excellent form of entertainment as well as hydration.

Another area sadly lacking in their training is the awareness of territorial boundaries. My humans lap is mine! Not Belles, not Curzon’s, and definitely, not the computers. It is MY domain, no one else’s! I don’t know how often I must defend my territory. Especially from the constant invasion attempts of the computer. Even now, I am fighting for dominance with the darn thing. Why can’t my human appreciate that this space is mine to occupy? She doesn’t seem to get that I must be touching her at all times when I sleep, or I risk losing my proper place in the hierarchy of this household.

Last night I jumped on my bed to claim my spot at my human’s head only to find Belle had usurped my usual site, yet my human did nothing to protect the region from the incursion of my colleague. Ugh! Truthfully, I didn’t mind her being there that much because she is so attractive and sweet, but still. That’s my place dang it.

There are other areas of training that need work too. I really question whether either of my human’s will be intelligent enough to ever fully be trained. After all, how hard is it to fathom that my standing at the back door, calling loudly and scratching means I want to go outside? Even a kitten could recognize those commands, but my humans…Nooooooooo! Oh, and body massages… 5 minutes, not 4 ½, not 5 ¾ but 5 minutes exactly. Oh, by the way, they do not get that a body massage does not include rubbing my belly for more than 15 seconds. Can you believe that? I’ve had to bite, and scratch them repeatedly, many times before they stop! Geesh, they’re idiots!


They sometimes respond appropriately when I demand they share their food with me. But they can still get territorial at times. I continue to introduce my paw as they are eating in an attempt to familiarize them with the concept of sharing, but still, they will frequently push me away. They do share occasionally, but not enough for me to call them properly trained. I must admit though, they do seem to respond fairly well to demands for loving. At least they caught on to one training exercise, however I suspect it might be an instinctive response, rather than a trained one. But hey, I’ll take it as a win.

There is one area of training that I am sure I’ve completely lost them on. They willfully refuse to comprehend that my house is no place for a dog. It doesn’t matter what I do, or how I punish them, they still allow the dog in the house. I guess I might as well accept that Curzon is here for the duration. I don’t have to like him, but I do have to live with him. (Sigh) I still have the option of tormenting him endlessly though, and that is always fun.

Well, bye for now,


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