Dear Kitty Diary,
There is no way around it, I am lonely and in dire need of some male companionship! I know I live with Lil’Bit, but let’s face it, he’s half my age Diary, and I am a gorgeous calico, not a cougar. I am a full grown, beautiful woman in my prime at two years old and he is, well, just a kid. He’s barely a year old and hasn’t quite figured out yet how to properly treat a woman. He still thinks it’s ok to play with the dog! Ugh! I know, I know it’s not politically correct to have a felines first attitude, but hey, it’s a dog!
I’ve tried to find males around here but it’s rather hard now that my human won’t let me outside. I used to be able to go out to the barn and call out in my deepest, throatiest yowl and the boys would come running. I had my pick of the most handsome, bravest and strongest males back then. Now, there’s just Lil’Bit. Granted, he is rather handsome, and he does wear the most wonderful scent, But really? Me fall in love with a kitten? Besides, my human keeps me in a separate room with only her for companionship. I can hear Lil’Bit on the other side of the door trying desperately to open the door, but to no avail. Sigh.
I thought about online dating. There is a site for single cats to hook up with other lonely cats, but I’m worried I’ll end up with some psycho that’s tied by the apron strings to their human and too attached to them, to fully commit to me. Or worse yet, I could waste my time on a fool that has no financial responsibility whatsoever. Face it, if he can’t bring home the mice and keep me in the manner I am accustomed to, then why waste my time? Then of course there is always the risk of falling for a serial tom cat that fools around with any female in heat. But to be truthful that’s probably most males in our species!
Is it too much to ask Diary that I find true love? I know I have high standards, but really, I need a male that is a fierce hunter, capable of providing for me and our children. He must be considerate, you know the kind of male that allows me to eat first when my human gives us the good canned food. He must enjoy playing with the stick that has feathers dangling from it and love long walks in the moonlight along the back fence in the evening. Also, I would love him to have a full, fluffy head of fur and a body that is fit and trim enough to pose for one of those naughty cat calendars (purrrrrr). And last, I know it’s a lot, but I would love a male that is capable of finally capturing that illusive red dot that has made its mission in life to be my utter humiliation as a hunter of prey.
My biological clock is rapidly, and rather loudly, ticking away. If you listen to the sleep deprived grumblings of my human that is. In fact, she has been overheard plotting methods to save enough money to… It’s almost too horrible to say… have me fixed! My fantasy of living a life with a loving family, surrounded by playful kittens and a doting, considerate mate is rapidly diminishing. The dream of sunbathing on the sofa in the afternoon light with my sweetheart and babies at my side has been replaced with the possibility of it being just me and Lil’Bit fighting over the furry cat bed on the floor of the laundry room.
Maybe I should reconsider the online dating thing. It can’t be that bad, can it? Oh well, if worse comes to worse, I will always have Lil’Bit. Besides, females have been “training” males for millennia. I suppose I can train him as well.