Dear Kitty Diary,
What a sad day it is Diary. I have been trying, to no avail, to get my human’s help. For such a long time, I did my best to get her to pay attention Diary, yet she plagued me with her uncaring, ignorance to my needs. I cried and cried for her to notice me but she ignored every word I uttered. You’d think she would have the courtesy to learn my language since she is a guest in my home, but no, she won’t invest in a Rosetta stone for felines, the cheapskate!
I think she did get a little frustrated at my constant crying and, I guess, thought I wanted new food in my dish. I did of course, but that was not what I wanted. I did reward her attempt to appease me fragile nerves and eat (some) of the new food, but it wasn’t food I wanted. Besides, I saw her simply pour the dry food back into the bag and scoop out a new dishful. But hey, new food is always better than old food!
After I ate, then cleaned my fur for a bit, I tried again to garner her inconsiderate attention. I jumped onto her lap, shoving the computer out of my domain, and furiously rubbed my head against her hands, face, shirt, head… basically anything I could reach. But, her stupidity knows no limits. She merely proceeded to give me a two-handed, full-body massage that lasted a mere 5 minutes. Although I allowed her the luxury of giving me the massage, this was not what I was wanting.
As soon as she began to use the computer again I laid my head upon her hands making typing very difficult for her in the attempt to stop her silly playing. I needed her full attention yet, she pushed me to the side and continued on. I tried reaching out my paw to cover the keyboard, but that didn’t work either. She just scooted over making more room for me to, sadly, doze on her lap while she lulled me to sleep with the constant, rhythmic clicking of the keyboard. What does it take Diary to get my human to pay attention to me? Ugh!
Once I awoke from my tranquilized nap, I resumed my one-sided conversation in a rather loud and annoying tone, hoping she would finally understand how much I needed her assistance. Alas, she foolishly thought I needed fresh water in my water dish. So she emptied it, cleaned it, and refilled it fresh water for no apparent reason. I drank of course, I couldn’t let her think she wasn’t helpful, but again, not what I needed.
So I immediately began furiously meowing in my most basic vocabulary what I needed her help with. Still, she didn’t understand. She thought I wanted new litter in my box! Can you believe how daft she must be? Now granted I can’t resist fresh littler, so I stopped to take advantage of her wasted energy, and then proceeded with my demands. Only now I was much more insistent!
In a final bid for her compliance to my commands, I reach up with my front paws and with my claws extended, I grasp her knee in an attempt to get her to look at me and understand I need her to follow me. Yelping in pain she cried out, “What do you want you infuriating feline?” I ignored her insults and began walking towards the bathroom. After a few steps, I stop and turn to make sure my human slave is following.
Believe it or not, she actually turns the other way in her chair! So, I immediately run in front of her blocking her way. Weaving in and around her legs and the wheels of her chair, I stop her progress in the wrong direction. While avoiding the pain of having my tail trapped under her wheels, I begin corralling this insolent human once more towards the bathroom. At last she begins to move in the correct route.
One more hurdle awaits me as she comes to the closed door of the bathroom. Will she be bright enough to open the door? I wonder with baited breath. Yes! I claim victory as she finally opens the door! She looked at me and asked, “Do you want to show me something?”
“Duh! I thought, as I raced into the bathroom jumping onto the side of the tub. With her finally following behind me, I dodge the shower curtain and jump onto the window ledge above the tub. My human pulls back the curtain to see me perched there waiting. Of course, I must punish her slow-witted laziness, so I disdainfully shove the shampoo and conditioner from the ledge acknowledging my right to do so, while my human grunts in frustration at the mess slowly working its way towards the drain.
In prideful recognition of all the hard work it took, I turn to view the treasure awaiting my completion of this frustrating quest. I realize in shock and horror that my journey took too long. All the expended time and energy to make my lazy, ignorant human obey my commands resulted in folly as I view the fly lying dead, trapped between the window pane and screen of the bathroom window.
All the anticipation of stalking this prey as it flew through the house fell flat as I looked at the pitiful remains. The expectation of the marvelous thrill of capturing and eating the fly came to a screeching halt with its demise. My human had denied me my prey due to her unfamiliarity of the feline language. I would now famish in the wake of the rebuffed hunt!
My human raised the window higher so I could reach the fly. Solemnly and resolutely I ate it. A meal is a meal after all.
Dear Diary, I will now alleviate my grief and mourn the loss of my prey by dozing quietly in the afternoon sun while resting determinedly on my humans lap. Just let me shove this computer to the floor first.