Today’s service at church made me profoundly sad. I was rather blindsided by my reaction. I knew what the topic of the sermon would be prior to attending but I didn’t give it a second thought. I guess that’s why I’m surprised to feel so sad. The series is about family, and today spoke about a husband’s responsibility. All through the service I kept thinking this message doesn’t apply to me anymore, I’m all alone.
I try very hard to remain grateful. After all I have seen so many changes and blessings in the last few months it is selfish to not be humbled and grateful. Today just reminded me of what I will never see again I suppose. It’s more than grieving the loss of my husband, when I lost Gabe I lost my family. I rarely see my son, and when I do it is usually tense and uncomfortable.
We took pictures after service today. Family pictures. I was the only person there without a family. Out of kindness everyone jumped in as my church family but the truth is it’s not the same. Not a person there has ever curled up on the couch with me to watch a movie, or come by just to sit and talk for no reason other than wanting to spend time with me.
I miss that so much. It’s incredibly hard to accept the fact that my life will always be on the peripheries of others. I no longer have a family to center my life around and I find I’m having trouble with that.
Lord I ask you to help me with the strength to accept it. I’m rarely morose so I suspect there may be a physical cause to this sadness and if that is the case I ask you to please stop whatever is causing this. And Lord help me to remember the many, many reasons I have for joy and all the blessings I have received. There are so many and I am so humbled to be the recipient of your grace.
Forgive me Lord I’m whining like a petulant child. I don’t understand why things are this way but it really doesn’t matter. I do understand that there will come a time when it will all make sense to me and it is my responsibility to trust you and have faith in you. So Lord I just ask that you lift this sadness and allow me to return to my normal self and help me to continue with whatever you ask of me. Your will be done Lord, Amen.