Idle Moments

My power went off this morning leaving me quite a while to do nothing but sit here thinking.  I rather enjoyed the time spent waiting for the repairs to be made.  Peace is hard to come by sometimes and when life steps in and forces it on you it can be a rather pleasant surprise.

So in my solitude, spent under the blankets trying to keep warm, I began to reflect on how my life has changed since Dec 15th when I asked God into my heart.  The first and most obvious change was the realization that I had not once considered suicide.

That may sound like a desperate thought but the reality of living with a painful physical condition is that I often (pretty much daily) found myself wondering if or when the pain would become too great, how I would end my own life.  I used to keep a constant vigilance on my pain medication just in case I wanted to use it as a final release.

I admit I’m a bit of a miser when it comes to my pain meds.  The fear of addiction scares me more than the pain, so I tend to push the limit of my pain tolerance before I succumb to the haze of Percocet.  I can make a 30 day supply last for 6 months if I need to.  I would horde my medications and refill them anytime I felt I was running too low should I decide to succumb to the desire to take them all at once.  I never let my bottle fall below half full if I could manage it.

When I was first diagnosed my Dr. told me that a very large percentage of patients with my condition die from either drug overdoses of pain meds or suicide, and counseled me about methods of pain management other than medicinal.  I must admit I am grateful to have found a physician that cared so much.  I bless the day I met her.

As my condition continues to slowly advance I am using more medication but I am way below average considering the severity of the damage.  I have found ways to adapt to accommodate my limitations.  But, I am the first to admit depression was a constant battle prior to Dec 15th.  Even with anti-depressants the reality of my future seemed so dire that suicide was a daily consideration.

This morning while I was forced into idleness it dawned on me that I had not counted my pain medications even once since Dec 15th.  Nor had the thought of suicide even remotely crossed my mind.  I no longer take the antidepressants either.

I came to realize that my depression was not so much the fear of the pain, but the isolation I felt due to my limitations.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a healthy respect for the pain, but the fear of being alone and in pain was more than I could handle.  Now I know I will never be alone in the pain.

When the pain comes I find myself talking with God and soon, (more times than I can count) the pain simply fades.  In addition, I have found a family in my church that fills me with more joy than I have felt in a very long time.  I never have feared death.  But I have feared pain.  Now I know that I needn’t fear either.

I am curious how long this latest prescription will last.  So far my 30 day supply is on day 86 and I have barely touched any medications for pain.  I think I prefer God’s method of pain management to pharmaceuticals.  Following God’s path I can live my life rather than sleep through it in a haze.  Thank you Father.




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